Usually, there's some sort of preceding fan fare over the meat of these entries. I don't have time for that. See, I have a confession:
I watched gay pornography.
Now, this would be perfectly fine were I a homosexual, but I ain't. So, like the videos did to me, I will now detail perfectly my experience, I'll also explain why you shouldn't put things up your ass.
But, there should be some sort of prologue to this, I suppose. You see, I wait tables (for free, aren't I fantastic? I will also strip for food). I come from a little town in <country> near <provincial capital> where the population is mostly British, and mostly gay. This is obviously a powder keg of glitter, bitchiness, and soiled condoms, but that's beside the point (also, they think my brother has nice nipples...yeah). I was 'working' one night with my legs chained to the glass washer behind the bar as I sang convict songs such as 'like a virgin' by Madonna...or maybe that's just gay, I have no idea anymore. A frail old gentleman entered one night with a considerably younger man at his side. To me, he entrusted a bag to keep safe as I showed him to his seat...little did I know that what I would find in this bag would change my fucking life forever. So, being adorably conniving, I surreptitiously opened the bag.
There were four cases. Two were uncovered DVD jewel cases. I feared they may contain illegal material.
The customer left, forgetting his bag to ostensibly go and have his colon budded by his younger partner's phallus (try and clean your ears with a q-tip now, you'll get the metaphor). So, I took these cases home in their little Hawaiian Tropic bag. After some time tried to persuade The Ronas to watch it with me-- She is lucky I got bored of waiting. I also feel it prudent to point out no Hawaiians were harmed in the production of those movies.-- I picked out one of the unmarked cases which had a little paper note inside marked "Bareback". Being familiar with the homosexual vernacular, I was aware this meant something like "Man puts his unwrapped penis in another man's rectum and starts making a reciprocating motion...without lucubration."
It was like every gory war movie mixed in with a little bit of horror. This was some very underground stuff, with men doing very painful looking things to one another. One scene I remember quite fondly was when it was all over, the receiver started clenching his cheeks and suddenly a copious amount of semen started falling liberally out of his anus. Mouth still hanging open, I turned off the DVD and started smoking. It was at this point I realized that, despite The Ronas' insistence, I was not gay. In fact, this movie only strengthened my love for women in general...so long as they prepare fine meals, press my shirts and tell me where the hookers are when I need 'this thing' sucked.
Anyway, what we can learn from this story is that holy fucking shit; you do not put things up your ass. Holy good mother of God they look all stretchy, and I hear some of them lose sphincter control and shit themselves.
Oh, I'm also looking for a Green Card. If anyone's interested, hit me up at email@example.com...I do dishes!